[Closed Post] ..the sky will come for you once..

[lanselos_du_lac]

The day is warm and bright -- it's lovely, in fact -- and so Lancelot is doing his best to ignore the strange tension that has been dogging him over the last few days. He is, of course, keeping to his usual routine, which helps, and now he is in the little clearing where he and Magnus meet for training. He's waiting for Magnus to arrive, checking the straps of Arthur's shield while he waits, and doing his best to clear his head and focus up on what he has determined they need to focus on today.

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[summerdude]

Magnus, finally no longer being secretive about his training, has his practice sword in his backpack and Jack back on his necklace. His shield, slung over his back, is totally unhidden.

"Hey teach," he calls, coming into the clearing. "Think fast!" And he hurtles a fresh-picked ripe peach straight at Lancelot's head.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He's distracted by his own thoughts, and so the best he can do is duck the fruit, frowning. That's not like him, but he only says, "Good afternoon, Magnus."

[summerdude]

"Dude," says Magnus, now also frowning. Usually Lancelot would catch the fruit. "You good?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot takes a breath and says, "Aye. It is a very fine day. Get your gear out and square up."

[summerdude]

"If you say so," says Magnus, doubtfully, but he obedient takes out his sword -- his practice sword, not his Jack-sword -- and pulls his shield into place. Once he's situated, he drops into a fighting stance.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Very good," Lancelot says, with sincere approval. Magnus has made great progress in such a short time -- he can only hope it's as rewarding for Magnus as Lancelot finds it is for himself. He gets himself into a stance and nods at Magnus to begin.

[summerdude]

Magnus comes at him fast. His confidence has grown over the past five months, and his first pass at Lancelot always involves him trying to throw all of his strength and speed at him, trying to get in one good, wild hit before he settles down to actually learn and follow the methods he's been taught.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Some days, Lancelot essentially lets him get one in. Today, though, is not one of those days. Lancelot meets Magnus' assault with a careful precision -- Magnus' strength and speed outmatch his own, by a fair margin, and although there's a part of him that feels like giving as good as he gets, he can't forget that he is responsible for Magnus' training and well-being. So he deflects, precisely turning Magnus' blade away with his own and then stepping back, giving Magnus enough space to make at least one more good swing.

[summerdude]

Magnus pulls his sword back while twisting his arm, trying to get it up and under Lancelot's blade in such a way that he'll be able to land a hit on his hip.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He manages to twist away again, though it's a near thing, and then he takes a swing at Magnus -- hoping for Magnus to deflect with his shield.

[summerdude]

Magnus does, dropping to his knees and skidding a few feet along the ground -- months of almost-daily training has flattened the grass and left some considerable dirt patches -- as he raises it up.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Well done!" It's sincere, bright and almost glad. He draws back. "I am impressed."

[summerdude]

"Really?" Magnus hops to his feet and dusts off his knees, excited. "Like, really?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Magnus," he says, with a faint humor, "I do not lie to you. Or anyone."

[summerdude]

"I don't know, maybe you're trying to build my confidence!"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Genuinely perplexed, Lancelot asks, "Who builds confidence by lying?"

[summerdude]

"I don't know, people? My cousin's boyfriend when he was teaching me to fall off a three-story mast into the ocean without dying all the way?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"That sounds..." Stupid is the word that first comes to mind, but seems belittling of Magnus' experience. So he decides instead to shift to: "Irresponsible."

He moves to go back to the spot he started from, resetting the stance. "Know this," he says, "I will not lie to you. If I praise your work, you have earned it."

[summerdude]

"Oh. Well, thanks."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot laughs a little, "You seem surprised. Have you not worked hard, these months?"

[summerdude]

"No, I have, I'm just still not used to my, like, fighting being worthy of note or whatever." Proudly, "Alex still wipes the ground with me all the time."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He gives a smile. "Good for Alex. May he continue to outmatch thee."

[summerdude]

"Yeah," says Magnus, blissful about it.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot's smile both grows and softens -- he will, however, say no more about it to Magnus. "You've nearly become a match for me," he says, thinking it only a mild exaggeration -- he was serious about the Not Lying. "I shall have to consider what to teach you next."

[summerdude]

"Actually," says Magnus, "I was thinking... maybe we could try with me using Jack?" Obviously Lancelot will know that he's been keeping Jack back at camp during their sessions so far due to his extreme blabbermouth.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He raises an eyebrow, but says only, "Of course."

Lancelot does know. It is, however, Magnus' to discuss or elaborate on, if he wishes. And so he simply turns a little aside and checks the buckles on his shield.

[summerdude]

Magnus touches the pendant on his necklace, then pauses. "Can I ask you a question, actually?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot deliberately does not look back, just yet. He says again, "Of course."

[summerdude]

"Was it too much to ask? To keep all this a secret?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

It is a great effort not to stop short, but he finishes buckling the shield on in order to give himself a moment to try to understand the question. It does little good. It seems a very simple question, but he cannot imagine why Magnus is asking.

He straightens and says, "Magnus, an it were burdensome, I would not have agreed."

[summerdude]

"I've told everyone important," Magnus promises. Obviously Lancelot knows about Alex; she's been joining them about once a week since he told her. And Sunny, too, sometimes comes, albeit less frequently now that she's adopted. "Galahad and Hanguang-jun and Sagramore. So it doesn't have to be a secret anymore."

[lanselos_du_lac]

At this he does look over, and his surprise is mild but evident. "Ah-- that's well."

[summerdude]

"So you can tell Susan that it's fine now."

[lanselos_du_lac]

The previously mentioned surprise shifts to something else, his brows drawing together. "What do you mean?"

[summerdude]

"I mean it's not a secret anymore...?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No, I-- it was never a secret from Susan."

[summerdude]

"Dude, I know, that was your condition. I mean she can stop, like, worrying or whatever."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot shakes his head, "I don't know what you mean."

[summerdude]

"I mean she seemed pretty upset about the whole thing?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Because he has no other response, due to how little sense this makes to him, he laughs softly and says, "No."

[summerdude]

"Dude, I don't want to, like, blow up her spot or whatever, but she gave me a pretty big talking-to about the whole thing."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"She did?"

[summerdude]

"Um, yeah? I mean, it was also about how I was embracing Sunny's artistic expression, but mostly she seemed, like. Annoyed about the secrets."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot frowns a little, "When did this happen?"

[summerdude]

Magnus shrugs. Galahad could tell the amount of time precisely, but Magnus doesn't really track the calendar. "A few weeks ago, I guess? I was already working on telling people."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I didn't know," he's got that thoughtful look. "Very well. I am sorry if she was hard on you."

[summerdude]

"Oh, it's fine," shrugs Magnus, who had been sent on an intense guilt spiral by the scolding.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Was she?"

[summerdude]

"Was she what? Hard on me?" Magnus shrugs. "Not, like, uniquely."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He nods and at first goes to take up his stance again, then pauses. "Did you need to talk about it? With me?"

[summerdude]

Magnus shrugs. "Not really?" he says. "I mean, we can if you want."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot shakes his head and shrugs, "I am fine. We can continue."

[summerdude]

"Okay," says Magnus. "Um, is it cool if Jack watches? —Oh, and I told Hanguang-jun he could come by sometime."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I would welcome Hanguang-jun, yes." He pauses to consider the question of Jack; this one he's less sure about. "Jack may watch, provided he does not distract you."

Lancelot would also prefer to be un-distracted, but he suspects Jack's influence on Mangus to be different than Jack's influence on Lancelot himself.

[summerdude]

So Magnus tugs the pendant off of his necklace. It grows into Jack, with his golden thirty-inch blade and smooth, leather-wrapped grip. "Remember," Magnus warns, letting go and letting Jack zip into the air. "No intervening. Silent judgement only." And then he settles back into a fighting stance, pulling his shield back into place.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Silent judgement is always preferable," he says wryly, settling back into his own stance. He takes a breath, hoping to shake his now even more unsettled thoughts and focus solely on sparring with Magnus. "Come, then."

[summerdude]

Magnus nods, sharply attentive. "Same as before?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Aye," a nod.

[summerdude]

So he lifts his practice sword and, uncomfortably aware of Jack's silent judging as he flies overhead, surges forward, trying out an opening Lancelot had taught him the week before.

[lanselos_du_lac]

This time Lancelot meets him, rather than hanging back. He moves in, seeking to knock Magnus' sword out of the way with his shield, to create an opening.

[summerdude]

"Señor, look ou--" Jack calls, but Magnus is already twisting to the side, trying to dodge the move and knock his own shield against Lancelot's to destabilize him.

"No cheating, Jack," he calls with a whoop. "You can give me notes after."

Jack's silence after that has the weight of a sullen one, but it is a silence.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Magnus is nearly successful in putting Lancelot off-balance, but at the last moment he pivots and shifts his weight, trying to score a hit from the outside.

[summerdude]

Magnus tries to get his sword up to block him, since his shield is busy continuing with the momentum shift of his attempt to knock it against Lancelot's. He's einherjar-fast, but that just results in his body twisting into a weird contortion that tells him his moves were definitely too wide and obvious and absolutely not economical enough.

But knowing the error he made is pretty cool, actually.

With a grin, he drops to the ground, confident that his athleticism and reflexes will serve him better by disengaging and then rising again than by trying to recalibrate and block.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Good!" Lancelot's exhortation is genuine, though he doesn't pause or slow down. He gets a little space and wheels on Magnus, coming in with an overhand swing.

[summerdude]

Magnus rolls to the side, bringing his shield up between him and Lancelot. His grasp on his sword falters, which is, like, against the first rule of sword fighting (rule #1: have a sword in hand), but is consistent with his fighting history. This time, he doesn't let himself get distracted by scrambling for it; his focus is on blocking the swing. He can fix his grip after.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot pulls the swing up a little short, so as not to send a shock up Magnus' arm -- it's a good block.

[summerdude]

With a little flexing of his fingers, Magnus manages to get his hand firmly back around his hilt, and he surges up right in front of Lancelot, trying to make him stumble back so that he can get a swing in.

[lanselos_du_lac]

This turns out to be quite effective. Lancelot swallows a curse, staggering back, and reacts more strongly than he intends, swatting Magnus' blade away with his shield -- probably too hard.

(He is distracted. He knows this. He should have begged off for today. There is too much on his mind.)

[summerdude]

Magnus pulls back. It was hard -- not too hard; Magnus can withstand a lot -- but a lot harder than normal. "You good, dude?" he asks, staying at the ready and circling just in case this is a fake-out.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Yes," Lancelot says, instantly. But just as he's about to move in again he stops, stepping back and swinging his blade down. He takes a breath. "Perhaps not."

[summerdude]

Magnus lowers his sword and his shield. "What's up?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I think-- perhaps we should stop for today."

Lancelot is frowning slightly, in spite of himself. It isn't Magnus' business, nor does he want to make it Magnus' problem.

[summerdude]

Magnus opens his mouth to protest, then closes it, squinting at Lancelot, like he's trying to read some kind of deep hidden meaning in this choice. Eventually he nods. "Okay," he says. "Um, I'm sorry if I, um. Stressed you out or something." By making him keep a secret for so long or whatever.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot shakes his head, saying evenly, "No, Magnus. It is naught to do with you. I just-- it is my fault. I should know better when I should beg off for a day."

[summerdude]

"Okay." Magnus hesitates a moment. "Do you, like. Need anything?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Only a little time," he says, trying to gentle his voice and clear his expression. He has a queer buzzing feeling -- all of his distractions and unsettled thoughts seem to be coming together, shaping into something he does not like.

Lancelot sheathes his sword and takes a breath. "Magnus, it's all right. I am not upset with you, and you've done nothing wrong. I am just off today. I would rather have a clear head when we spar. I can't be a good help to you otherwise."

[summerdude]

"Oh. Yeah, totally. Sure." Magnus doesn't state the obvious, which is that Lancelot is the first Sword Guy he's worked closely with who cares about stuff like headspace. He's pretty sure this is a good thing -- for Lancelot, at least, due to all of his trauma. "Um, feel better soon?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot gives the tiniest of bows, "Thank you. We can begin again the day after tomorrow, as usual."

Then he leaves the clearing, setting off toward the mansion. He is annoyed with himself, still tense, obscurely nervous (?) at the knowledge that Susan confronted Magnus -- he had thought all was well, and that there was no cause for concern. He is mulling all of this over as he mounts the stairs; often, he would stop at his old room to stow his gear away, but today he simply goes straight to their shared room. He's watchful for Regina as he opens the door.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan is sitting at the desk, in a simple shift she never wears outside of their room, hair loose and still drying from her morning's wash. Regina is on the desk next to her, 'helping' by batting her pen every time it moves. "Hello, sweetheart," she says, not looking up from her notebook. "How was training?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

His frown does ease at the sight of her, but he likely sounds troubled when he responds. "I cut it somewhat short, today."

He turns a little to the side to start removing and putting away his gear.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan glances up at his tone and frowns, watching him sort himself out for a moment. "Is everything all right?" she asks, after a beat. "No one got hurt, I hope?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No one is hurt, no. Only my head is elsewhere, and I did not think I was doing well enough by Magnus."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan sets her pen to the side, and Regina immediately tackles it, sending it spinning off the desk and onto the ground. Ignoring the cat as she leaps after it, closing her notebook on the words Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian - October???, Susan leans forward. "What is it?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Almost automatically, he says, "It is nothing."

He has his things put away, now, and he hesitates -- he has that same buzzing, frizzing feeling as before. "No," he says, a little carefully. He takes a breath, scrubs a hand over his face. "It is many things. I cannot sort it out."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan rises and circles the desk, approaching him, curling a hand around his face and leaning up for a hello kiss. "Shall I help?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot softens at this, "An thou canst, yes." And he does bend to kiss her, sweetly.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She smiles at him as she draws back, then takes a single step away to snag her ubiquitous mug of tea - this one is half-finished - before nudging him in the direction of the sofa. "Sit," she urges. "And tell me what's on your mind."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He sighs a little and does as she says, his expression thoughtful. Despite the nervous buzzing, he knows the question will continue to distract him if he doesn't ask it. "First I have a question -- didst thou speak with Magnus, about our training arrangement?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes, of course. Several weeks ago now, I think. Didn't I mention it?" (She absolutely did not. She had intended to, but was distracted by the arrival of the beach.)

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No, thou didst not." He sits for a moment, working to stifle the frown that is impending. "Why didst thou?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Well, because the secrecy had gone on for quite long enough, hadn't it? Months and months and months."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Why was that a concern?" It's a sincere question, even if there is an unusual note of testiness behind it.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan glances at Lancelot, surprised by that note, especially given that he knows she's never cared for this particular arrangement. She offers him her mug, in case he might like a sip of tea, and says, "He was taking advantage of your goodwill. You ought to be able to talk about your day with your friends." This is putting her concerns very lightly, of course, but there's a queer look to his face that she can't quite parse.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"He wasn't. I knew what he was asking me for and I would not have agreed if I misliked it. All that mattered to me was that I could speak of it to thee, so thou wouldst know where I might be."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan's chin lifts in the way it always does when she's feeling either indignant, stubborn, or insecure. It's likely a less-familiar posture for Lancelot. "Yes," she says. "I know you said that."

[lanselos_du_lac]

It is less familiar, on Susan, but there's a quality to it that sends a pulse of anxiety through him. He sits up a little straighter, levels and lowers his voice. "I did say so, because it was truth."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Since he isn't taking her tea, Susan leans to set it on the floor, then takes his hands in hers and laces their fingers together. "You oughtn't need to keep secrets."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I have no secrets from thee," quietly.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I know you haven't," surprised. "Sweetheart, I wasn't concerned about me, I was concerned about you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Why?" There's that faint annoyance again, though he himself can't place its source. "I have told thee, all's well."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It mightn't bother you now, but I shouldn't want having to keep additional secrets to take a toll on you later."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Then thou shouldst have spoken with me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes, perhaps I should have." She's not convinced that would have made any sort of difference.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Why didst thou not?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan does have the grace to look fleetingly embarrassed. "It seemed prudent to speak to Magnus. He often behaves thoughtlessly when he ought to consider the impact of his actions."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It would be my place to speak to Magnus, were his actions harming me." His expression is still an odd mixture of upset, cautious, vaguely hurt. He keeps his hands in hers, though.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"And I shouldn't want you to be hurt in the first place, to feel driven to address the situation," Susan explains. "Sweetheart, I'm afraid I don't understand why you're surprised by this."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot looks momentarily stumped, then (against his better judgment) says the first thing that comes to mind as an explanation. "It is not thy place to interfere."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan blinks, stunned. "Not my place?" she asks after a beat, working very hard to keep her voice from scaling up as she says it.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He grasps for an explanation that makes sense, his sense of upset or worry rising. This probably shows in his face. "It was between Magnus and myself."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Lancelot," she says, slowly, fingers flexing against his hand. "Your well-being is my business. I shan't apologize for wanting to ensure no one is taking advantage of your goodwill."

[lanselos_du_lac]

His jaw clenches briefly, his fingers spasming a little around her own. With his free hand he pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She watches him for a long moment, feeling rather like the ground she'd felt so certain of when she'd taken a step has started to sag beneath her foot. "What?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I don't know, love," softly. "I am sorry."

He withdraws his hand from hers, but only so that he can lean into her and slide his arm around her waist, burying his face in her hair, against her shoulder.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She turns to him then, sliding a hand along his back, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "You're upset," she says, brow furrowed. "Talk to me."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I am sorry," he says again, softly, "I should not be cross with thee because I am-- when thou wert trying to take care."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"If you're cross with me then be cross with me," Susan frowns. "Only tell me why."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He sits up, brushing her cheek. His gaze is still troubled, his color high.

After a long moment he says, "I think-- I am cross because thou shouldst have spoken with me. Not Magnus. There was no harm in what Magnus asked of me. But it isn't Magnus, or thee, that has me out of sorts. It's-- none of it makes sense to me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I ought to have spoken more with you," Susan allows, though she can't imagine she kept her feelings on the subject hidden and unknown. "But he's a thoughtless boy who fails to consider the impacts of his actions on a good day. I - suppose I lost my temper." She still doesn't think she was in the wrong, though! So she pushes on to the next point. "What doesn't make sense?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I--" He stops himself, tries to refocus. He still feels off, in a very unpleasant way, but it is comforting that Susan is as deliberate and careful as ever. He takes a breath and starts again. "I have felt off, of late. It isn't anger, but it feels a little like that. I keep thinking about-- I don't know. I thought I had stopped thinking of Camelot as home, but it is like that... like missing home. Wishing I might somehow fix things. Thinking of... all the ways I might have had or done things differently."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan tries to parse this, but it's not easy to follow. "You've got regrets?" she summarizes.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot considers this, then clarifies, "I do not so much regret what I did or did not do, but that -- had I but known better -- I could have had or made other choices. It stings. And, too, I... I think it has nearly been a year, since I left Camelot. That... I don't know how to feel about that. I don't wish to leave thee, I don't know that I wish to return, but it's complicated."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It's different for you," Susan surmises. "You've got something you might be able to go back to." Susan hasn't, naturally. She misses Ingrid and sometimes Miriam, but apart from them, everyone she loves is dead and unreachable, off in Aslan's dreadful little world where they aren't even permitted to be themselves anymore. "I expect that would make things complicated. I suppose it's useless to say there isn't any point in dwelling in what-ifs." After all, Susan tries to avoid those as much as possible.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot strokes her hair. He understands the difference she is highlighting, and it pains him to think that if something were to happen and they were all thrown back into their own worlds, Susan would no doubt be lonelier. But this does help slot something into place for him.

"It's not so much that I am dwelling on it, I suppose. But-- I have done my best not to think or feel much of it. After... after some of the things that have happened here, of late, I find it harder to set aside."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Ah," says Susan. "So you're cathecting to the what-ifs. Then I suppose you oughtn't shut those thoughts down," though she has no intention of thinking about how things might've been with her family if she'd remembered Narnia before they died - she's content to simply write it off as at least she's alive and not in Aslan's land. "And you ought instead explore your feelings." And she gives him an expectant look.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He has the urge to say that he does not wish to explore his feelings, but thankfully Susan's thinking aloud has raised a different question. "Cathecting?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

As always, it's easy to intellectualize her care - at least Susan is aware of her use of this defense mechanism. She says, "Yes. Freud spoke of cathexis. It's the investment of libido - one's emotional energies - into an object or idea. One must safely discharge such energy to prevent damage to one's psyche."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"And should one not do so...?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Then it becomes a complex, which is destabilizing and reduces inner balance and often leads to greater pain. Sweetheart," she says, stroking his hair back from his face. "Is it really so dreadful to confront your feelings?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I would--" He pauses, takes in Susan's presence, her nearness. He lets out a breath. "Yes. I would rather not. There is so much that is good here. It seems a shame to waste it in feeling poorly about things that are not so."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Would it be a waste?" Susan asks, startled. "If you felt better in the end?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It would change nothing," he says, evenly. It's possible he doesn't realize he's being stubborn about this. "I don't know that I would feel better, in the end."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Indulge me," Susan says, leaning forward, against him. "Do you not generally like when you've got clarity?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I suppose I do, yes."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"If you've got clarity on your feelings, perhaps they would trouble you less. Even if you mightn't do anything about them, there's less uncertainty."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Thou'rt... reasonable," he allows.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"To a fault!"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It is thy worst trait," he says, with a note of wry humor.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I suppose it must be," with a kiss to his cheek.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot strokes her hair again, and says quietly, "It is only that it is painful. And--"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"And?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I don't know," his voice low. "I want to be happy, when I am with thee, and to make thee happy. I suppose I have been putting off untangling it."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan leans back a little then, trying to get a good look at the whole of him - his expression, his posture, the set of his mouth. "Lancelot," she says, voice soft and with the faintest edge of reproach. How ought she phrase this? "Does it bother you that I've got spells of being... rather unhappy," such as, most recently, her mixed-up feelings about the entire Aornis situation overlaid on top of her mixed-up feelings during Galahad and Claudius's wedding, when she started missing her family dreadfully, but there was also the whole of Dark, and her general mood when first they met, and-- "and that I often turn to you in those moments?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Faintly surprised, but also with the good grace to be just a little abashed as her meaning strikes home, he says, "Of course not."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"You know I don't care that you've got traumatic neuroses." She waves a hand, a loose gesture. "I mean, I care, because I care for you. Oh, you know what I mean!" She settles her hand on his wrist, brow furrowed. She'd thought they sorted this out months ago. Perhaps he's just having another moment of neurosis, but... "Do you think I can't handle it if you're not perfectly happy, due to my grief?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No, no-- not at all, I just--" He stops himself, then lets his hand rest over hers. He glances down. "It isn't thee. I think... in the back of my mind, I think I expected upset. That if I were to share my feelings... I don't know. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was expecting--"

Lancelot stops himself again, because the way he feels now he isn't entirely certain how Susan will take the truth. Frankly, it surprises him to finally find words for it. But he makes himself go on, if quietly. "I was expecting Gwen's reaction, which is naught to do with thee."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Ah." Susan certainly should like to have a word with Guinever! "Yes, I imagine that would set a tone," she says, shifting just enough that she can lean down to snag her mug for a sip of tea. Thus fortified, she makes direct eye contact. "You do make me happy, Lancelot. I'd rather you feel comfortable sharing what's on your mind without worrying about that."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Usually, I am. I think... I think perhaps what's been on my mind has made me worry that it would hurt thy feelings, somehow."

Lancelot lets out a breath, then blinks as something else occurs to him. "I-- thou'llt think me foolish, but... there is some part of me that feels thou shouldst not have to fret over or defend me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Well, naturally I--" Susan starts, and then stops, tilting her head and taking Lancelot in for a long moment. "Are you - what are you saying? That you prefer a situation which would inspire that sort of response not arise, or that, if the situation should arise, you prefer I stand back?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot shakes his head, taking her hand in his. He looks down, "No, no-- nothing like that. I mean to say, I think the root of my trouble is that some part of me feels that I should do those things for thee, because thou'rt a lady. And it is not for ladies to have to come to the defense of men. Of knights."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I'm afraid I've got a long history of coming to the defense of kings, even," says Susan, threading their fingers together.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Such thoughts do not grant thee the credit thou dost deserve," softly. "Forgive me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Sweetheart," says Susan, squeezing his hand. "You shan't hurt my feelings by sharing your own. It isn't in my nature to stand idly by when someone I love is being misjudged or mistreated, and I'm inclined to be particularly defensive of you," since no one else has ever been appropriately defensive of him! "But I should like you to put worries about how I might take whatever you might feel aside. If it's something I mislike, we can discuss it, just like I hope we'd approach if I said or did something you didn't care for. Such as," now a little wry, "when I confronted Magnus."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles a little then leans in to kiss her cheek, silent for now as he sorts through all of this.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Does it bother you badly that I'm defensive of you?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It doesn't bother me," he says, sounding careful only because he's still working it out. His brow furrows. "I suppose I am not used to it, and perhaps did not expect thee to feel so strongly."

Which is also not precisely what he means, but is at least closer.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"My love," she pauses. "I did tell you long ago I'd fight everyone who treated you poorly and so I oughtn't ever end up in Camelot lest I start an international incident."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot smiles a little, "So thou didst. 'Twas not a jest, then."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Certainly not!"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Well, then. We shall have to keep thee here." He glances down, squeezing her fingers gently.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan hesitates for a long moment, then catches his eyes. "I shouldn't want to create problems for you, of course," she says. "Then I should have to defend you from myself."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Ah, no," he says, quietly.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

He does sound ever so quiet about it. She squeezes his fingers and waits, in case he's gathering his thoughts.

[lanselos_du_lac]

After a long moment he says, still quiet, "I miss them. I miss court. I-- am angry, too, I think. There is so much I did not know I wanted, or did not allow myself to want, for their sake."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Has the anger got an object?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Myself, for the most part."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Lancelot," says Susan softly, twisting to bring her legs across his lap. She squeezes his hand with hers, and cups her other hand around his cheek. "What would you do differently, if you went back?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"If I went now? I would bring Galahad to court, as soon as I could manage it. I would-- I would make Arthur and Guinever and myself, all three of us together, talk and try to sort things out. I would find some way forward that didn't lead to ruin."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"And you're angry that you didn't do these things before?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I could do nothing for Galahad-- he was not yet born. But I am angry, I suppose, that I did not think of it. It seems simple." He takes a breath, "I suppose, too, I do still feel angry at Gwen, sometimes."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan is slotting everything Lancelot says neatly away, trying to get a sense of the whole of the picture before she starts wading through it with her vast and numerous opinions. "Because of how she reacted to everything with Elaine?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Yes," simply.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I believe that's eminently reasonable."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I was so worried about how she would feel," quiet, a little distant. "I didn't realize my own hurt, I think, because all I could think of was how it would hurt her-- my faithlessness."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Your faithlessness," Susan repeats. "Lancelot--"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I do not see it that way now," squeezing her hand gently. "Though I did feel that, before I learned more here. I only know that that is how she saw it."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"And I think that's jolly rotten," says Susan, before she can stop herself.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He gives her a little smile, kissing her hand. "I know thou dost, love."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan softens... somewhat. "Do you think she might've reacted differently if Arthur was more, ah, directly involved in your relationship?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He seems to take a long moment to consider this.

"Perhaps," he says eventually. "I know now that Arthur felt differently about it than she did."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I meant - specifically if you were bound to both of them, rather than just her."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot shakes his head, "I-- I think I cannot know. I think I misunderstood some of what Arthur tried to do to help me. I can't even-- I have thought about it, of course, but I cannot even picture how we might be, were the three of us here."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

A little thrill of utterly-unexpected jealousy flashes through Susan as Lancelot says were the three of us here. It's thoroughly perplexing - she likes that he's got other lovers - and something she pushes firmly away. She shan't be interrogating it any time soon! Instead of dwelling on it for one second longer, she draws their joined hands up to brush a kiss to his knuckles. "I understand."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Know thou," brushing her cheek, "I do not wish them here. I am happy, with thee and with my friends. But I do miss them."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Had she let her queer feelings slip? How curious! "It's all right if you did, of course," she says, busily, even as her eyelashes flutter at his touch. "Wish them here, that is."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He hadn't had any clue as to her feelings, but the busy note in her voice gives him pause. He smiles at her, "Of course, I know this."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan¹ studies his smile for a moment, then asks, "What would you most want to say to them? If they were here."


¹Who is to be forgiven for mixing psychoanalytic techniques with those recommended by gestalt psychotherapists (which was newly coming into vogue at the time of her departure from London), given that she's not actually made a proper study of either approach

[lanselos_du_lac]

"The two of them together?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Both individually and together, I should think."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot takes a breath, thinking this over. "I cannot imagine us discussing it together. I suppose we would need to start there," a long pause. "When Arthur was here, that day-- that was the first we had ever spoken directly of Guinever and I."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Oh?" Susan's primarily memory of what Lancelot has said of Arthur's visit is how dreadfully worried she was when he sequestered himself to his room for days, and how desperately sad he seemed when she finally bullied him onto a walk. (It isn't Arthur's fault, of course, that Lancelot reacted thus, but given that he isn't here, Susan finds him a sufficient scapegoat.)

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I think that I had, perhaps, always known that he knew the truth of us. But he and I had not spoken so openly of it, before. He-- I think he wanted us to have one another, if that is what made us happy. I still don't know how to feel, about that."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Because he loves the both of you, do you suppose?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Yes," quietly. "I hope they are doing better together, now."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

For a long moment, Susan studies Lancelot. She can't say that she's certain they must be, a little bit because she doesn't know, not at all and certainly not for certain, but mostly because she worries he'll take that to mean there's a subtext of without you to her words. "I do hope so," she says, finally, squeezing his hand. "Was it good, to be able to speak of it all with Arthur?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot, perhaps unsurprisingly, had been thinking without me -- so it is probably best that Susan didn't reinforce it!

He says, "We did not speak deeply of it-- I wasn't sure what good it would do, as I believed he was trapped here. Still... it helped, I think, to know he knew and was making a choice."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She nods, fingers stroking over the back of his hand. "How long were they together before you and Guinever started--" she pauses, then decides, "Your relationship?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He looks thoughtful for a moment, "Perhaps five years? Perhaps a little less."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Did you know them before they - got together?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No, when I came to court Arthur was already High King and wed. I can admit that my attraction to Guinever was almost immediate but we did resist it, for a time."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"For how long? Was it mutual from the start?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I think it was. For me, it all seems... as if a glamour was cast on us. I think it was perhaps a year before anything more took place between us."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan nods, thumb stroking over the side of Lancelot's hand, again and again. "And how quickly did you fall for Arthur?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

This question seems, impossibly, to surprise him somehow. He blinks at her. "What?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Was it also immediate, or did it take time?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I--" He has grown more used to speaking frankly of his feelings for Arthur, but there is still a newness about it. (In truth, he often does his best to forget them entirely, as if that were possible.) He tries again, "I think it was immediate, at least for me. Or very quickly indeed. We were fast friends. I suppose I wasn't certain my feelings had moved beyond that until I was here, without him. It isn't something one can speak of, there, so perhaps I set it by."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan leans in to kiss him then, on the corner of his mouth, soft and sweet. "We're both of us terribly good at that sort of thing, aren't we," she muses rhetorically as she sits back again. "Setting things by. But," she adds, remembering the impetus for their conversation. "Is this one of the bits that's become more difficult for you to set aside, of late?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot smiles at her, though it has a slightly sad cast to it. He brushes back her hair and lets himself feel a swell of gratitude that she understands him in this.

"For now, I think I am at peace with it," he answers, honestly. "But-- I think of how I might have done things differently. I might have married and had children of my own, that I could raise. I might have asked the King for a manor. After I came to court, and stayed, I set nearly everything else aside for love of the Queen, and I did not understand how I might hurt all of us by doing so."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

So subtly as to be nearly imperceptible, Susan stills; her unflinching gaze becomes a shade more watchful. Carefully - around the warning klaxons blaring deep inside her - she asks, "Is that something you might want? Marriage and children?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He cannot help it; there is something to the way her posture changes, something in her gaze that turns that swell of warmth into a warning.

(He thinks, briefly, of the way it sometimes seemed the temperature in the room would change when Guinever was feeling fragile. It was worst, of course, when he came to her after Corbenic, prefacing everything with phrases meant to ease her at his own expense, that yet did nothing of the sort. Guinever and Susan are, in nearly every way, not alike. And yet.)

Lancelot sits back a little -- bracing himself, perhaps. But he does keep her hand in his.

"It was," he begins, "the sort of thing I always expected. The sort of thing that was assumed. I had no lands, any longer, to pass to a son, but that can be changed. Once I came to court, and came to love the Queen, I put all such thoughts aside. None of that was for me. Those were not things I could ever hope for, and that was well enough because I loved her so. Now--"

He stops, makes an effort to make himself not sit rigid, to not anticipate a blow.

"Here I spend time with Sunny, and it is so joyous. I-- the day that some were changed to children, I was with Galahad and it hurt to think I never had him by me as he should have been, that his mother gave him over to be raised the way he was. I would have..." Lancelot stops, takes a breath. It doesn't help. Around the tightness in his chest, he says, "I do not know that I want that. Or that I might. I only know, now, that I kept myself from it and that no good came from it. We all of us were hurt, and then badly wounded, or worse. And now I do not know what I wanted, except that I wanted -- or I would have wanted -- to love them and care for them and ease them, and that I did none of them any good."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan kisses him again then, partly to ease her racing mind, partly to give herself time to sort out her reaction. But she oughtn't let it run too long - she shouldn't want Lancelot to think she's trying to distract him from the conversation.

She hasn't got anything sorted out by the time she draws away. "When you say you were all hurt and that you did no one any good- do you mean you and Arthur and Guinever, or you and Galahad, or just Galahad and Arthur and Guinever, or --?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"All of us," tightly. He has to clear his throat, glance away.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"And," she says, soldiering on, "my love, when you say you did none of them any good, what precisely do you mean by that?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"They came to harm, we all did. If I had-- if I had chosen differently, held to what I was meant for, I could have spared us all."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"'Spared' how?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

His free hand comes up to rub at his forehead, "I don't know. It aches, that's all."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Your love isn't something to be borne, or suffered," Susan says, squeezing his fingers between hers and moving her other hand to lift his gently away from his forehead, then folds it against his chest, over his heart. "You don't make lives worse for being in them. You know that, right?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot freezes, for half a breath, and then looks at her directly.

Susan is so beautiful. She means what she says. She is always honest. In so many ways, she is like enough to himself to really understand him.

She believes this to be true.

Lancelot shakes his head a little. He isn't disagreeing, exactly, but neither can he say he knows this. (It has been, what? A year perhaps? A blink. There is plenty of time for things to turn sour.)

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Lancelot," says Susan, a little more sternly now that she's captured his attention. "A life spared your involvement wouldn't bring ease or comfort. Goodness knows I understand having regrets, but you oughtn't regret your love."

[lanselos_du_lac]

A strange little breathless laugh escapes him, and before he can stop himself he says, "It isn't my love I regret."

As soon as he's said it, he realizes he doesn't quite know what he means. He does not regret loving anyone, any of them. He holds all of that dear, he refuses to relent. He isn't even certain he minds the cost to himself of that love. It's only that--

"I don't want my love to tear everything down. To twist things. I don't... I want to feel I've done right by those that matter to me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Very well," says Susan, nodding once. She lifts his hands and kisses them, each one in turn, a soft kiss to his knuckles. "You want to feel like you've done right by those who matter to you. What would this look like?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

By now he's so tangled in his thoughts, in what he feels, that this practical question is bewildering. Lancelot's fingers tighten around hers.

"Christ," he says, giving her a searching look, "I don't know."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Let's start with a simpler version of the question," she hopes! "What might make you look at me and think, yes. I've done right by Susan?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

At last there's the faintest relaxing of his expression, his demeanor. "Oh-- I see that when I've done thy tea correctly. Or when we have a good talk. Or when I can know I've understood something important or of interest to thee. Or after we have lain together, and I know I've pleased thee well."

Then, after barely a beat, he finishes, "But these are small things."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She releases one of his hands to cup her own over his cheek. "You sweet, silly man," she says. "Oh, you're so terribly good. So you get the sense that you've done right by me when I seem content as a result of your actions?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He flushes but says, "Yes, of course."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She smiles at him then, that same small genuine smile he gets so often from her. "And what would make you think, I've done right by Laertes?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I suppose," thoughtfully, "when I can see that I've helped him with his home, with making his family happier or more comfortable. The work I do in the garden, that I think will help all of us, come Dark. When-- when he lights up and I know I've surprised or pleased him somehow. But again-- these things are small. They're only what I would do any day. I cannot know how things will turn out, or when I might err, with either of you."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"You may rest assured that I've never been given to holding my tongue," says Susan, with only the faintest tinge of ruefulness to her tone. If Lancelot were to err, in some indefinable way that she can't at all envision, it isn't as if she'd hold it close to her chest and let it fester. She'd address it straightaway, and they'd come to some sort of resolution. Or not, she supposes, but she doesn't want to think of that possibility, and so she does not.

Something else, though, has drawn her attention. "Why does the size of your - actions, I suppose - matter?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It isn't as if I'm doing great deeds," with a tiny shrug, "these are all ordinary things. I suppose-- I don't know, exactly, why it seems to matter."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Were your relationships with Arthur and Guinever comprised primarily of great deeds?" Susan wonders, and then tilts her head. "What makes you feel as if a friend or a lover has done right by you? Me, or Laertes, or Grantaire... or Sagramore, I suppose, or any of your other friends?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Well," he begins, "it sometimes feels that way to me. My service to the King, the honour paid to Guinever. We had some similar smaller day-to-day things, but... perhaps my thinking on this has changed, since arriving here. As for thine other question, that has changed as well. With any of those I love, here, things are very different. I feel best when I know thou'rt all open with me, honest, and that thou'llt help me when I struggle."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan considers all this with pursed lips and a little hum. "I suppose it might be difficult to feel mundane about a relationship with royalty, even if they are incredibly dear to you," she says, eventually. She'd never had that problem in Narnia, but then again, she was the royalty.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It is complicated. At times, I think our relationships were much as mine are here. Other times, it is clear to me how very different things are."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"How so?" Susan asks. "Because of the difference in secrecy?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Partly, yes. I find that keeping no secrets effects everything else, which I suppose should not be a surprise." He glances down at their hands, tracing fingertips across the back of Susan's wrist. "But-- I worshipped them, I think. They were the people I loved most, and they were the closest to me aside from Bors. But they also often felt... above me. Within my heart, I mean. Arthur never misused that. I think he saw it, and knew it, but Gwen may not have. Or-- not in the same fashion. Either way, that made it easy to sacrifice myself for them. Does that make sense?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It does," she says, quietly.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"None of thee here would ask it if me. Nor would I think thou wouldst wish to be an object of worship."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Never," Susan swears - and then she tilts her head, considers, and says, "I suppose I mightn't hate it in the context of a little scenario whilst we're making love, but I expect that's still tremendously different to how it was with Guinever and Arthur."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot gives her a little smile, "I do, perhaps, worship thee a bit when we are making love. But I meant, as a daily way of being-- thine expectations are nothing like."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

For a moment, a dual-pronged feeling shoots through Susan: a thrill at the confirmation that she perhaps is better for Lancelot than his former loves, and, again, that staunch urge to protect him from anyone who has treated him ill. She sets this, too, aside.

"No," she agrees, and her brow furrows lightly. "But you're still concerned about the magnitude of your deeds?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I think, perhaps, a piece of it is that it is quiet here. Peaceful. And that there is some part of me that worries that," he pauses and takes a breath as it dawns on him. "That somehow I am not enough, if all there is for me to give thee are the small, day to day things."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Well, that's nonsense," says Susan, tone scaling between soft and businesslike. "I like the day-to-day things; they're quite practical. But you do ever so much more than that, you know."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot glances up, "How dost thou mean?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan regards Lancelot steadily. "Why, you bring me ease."

[lanselos_du_lac]

At that -- both the look and the statement -- some of his tension falls away, his shoulders visibly relaxing, his expression softening.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"That's no small thing," she tells him, her gaze unflinching. "I never imagined I might be this - this - this content."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He thinks, then, of how desperately sad she seemed to him when he first came to know her. How carefully she held herself; how changed she is now, when she's with him and elsewhere, too. His heart hurts to hear her say this, which is strange because this is a good thing to hear.

Lancelot does not look away from that unflinching gaze; rather, he turns a little so he can face her more directly, and leans in a little. "My sweet love," he says, reaching up to brush back her hair, "I thank thee."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"For what? I ought to be the one thanking you!" The briskness of her words is belied by the automatic fluttering of her eyelashes as his hand slips through her hair, the way she sways into his touch.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Reminding me of what is most important," he says quietly, leaning in to kiss her.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She kisses him back, of course, deeply but honey-slow. They're still holding hands, and she runs her thumb over his knuckles; she moves her other hand from his cheek to the back of his neck, where she lets it rest lightly.

By the time she pulls back for a breath, she's sorted out the next thing she'd like to say. "Your feelings are tremendously important as well. But Lancelot, you make things better. Not worse."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I'm glad," softly. His thumb brushes her cheek. "I shall keep it in mind."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"See that you do," she says; it comes out sounding unpleasantly like a plea.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot gathers her in, both arms around her. "I shall, sweet."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan shifts with that gathering, moving so that she's sitting on his lap. "So," she says, tucking his arms more closely around her. Cognizant of the fact that very little of this has been about her, she settles a hand on his chest and says, "Now that we've established that I think you're absolutely enough, that I shouldn't want you to worship me, and that I'm wildly in love with you... what troubles you?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He laughs a little, softly, but he's definitely easier now than he was when he came in. "I was close to -- Dionysus called it a panic attack, but it wasn't the same as some of them have been. I have not felt quite right these last few days. All of my feelings about Camelot, missing home, wishing something different for myself or Galahad have been on my mind. I think I was hoping it would pass, but between the mansion's tricks, turning us into children, spending time with Galahad -- it hasn't passed."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan's heart aches. "No," she says. "I imagine it wouldn't."

[lanselos_du_lac]

After a pause, a breath, he says, "It has been nearly a year."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It has." For both of them! Susan gives him a searching look. "Longer since you last saw Guinever. Less since you last saw Arthur. And almost exactly that since I first met my dearest friend."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at her, softly, light kindling in his eyes, softening the sadness. He feels drawn back to himself, to ground.

Lancelot knows that he has always been someone who seeks a lodestar; it's not that he is a follower who needs to be led, but that he looks to set his course by those he loves. He sorely misses his loves back in Britain, at court, and perhaps today it has just overwhelmed him. But what he has with Susan is unlike any other relationship he's had before, and he is so very glad of her.

"I love thee. Thou'rt like no one else I know. It is my great joy to be thy dearest friend."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan kisses him then, softly and on the corner of his mouth. "I'm terribly glad," she says, pressing her forehead against his. "Anniversaries are dreadfully hard, aren't they?" Lancelot will remember how reserved and removed she was around the time of Galahad's wedding, which was roughly a year (by her estimation) since her family's accident. "I'm not surprised it's weighing on you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No?" His arm tightens around her. "Then this is something expected?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It stands to reason, doesn't it? There's ever so many ambient reminders."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Aye, I suppose so. I think, with everything else that's come up, it took me by surprise somehow."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Everything else? --you mean Galahad's return to childhood."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Aye-- and my own."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"You were terribly dashing, you know," Susan says, stroking her fingertips down the front of his shirt. "As a child. I'm so pleased I was right that we'd be fast friends." A soft kiss to his cheek, and then she says, "And Galahad was ever so tremendously sweet." Obviously she's said these sorts of things to Lancelot before, but it bears repeating. "I suppose it was rather a distracting day."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at her, covering her hand with his own; if it still has a sad edge to it, at least it's still a sincere smile.

"I hadn't realized, but there were many things I hadn't thought about for years and years. Emotions I had put aside," thoughtfully. "I found thee delightful, though."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Oh?" says Susan, after bestowing a kiss upon his cheek for the compliment. "Such as?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"What it was like when first I went to Pempont. After my parents passed."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She runs her fingertips over his head, through his short hair. "What was it like?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot's expression turns thoughtful. "I had Bors, and Lionel, at my side, but I was somehow still quite lonely, much of the time. The keep there was not so different from Benwick, but it seemed to me that it was usually damp, often colder than home had been. I-- I missed my mother dreadfully. My father, too. He had been gone perhaps a year, by the time I was the age the mansion made me, and she a bit less. I knew, though -- or I felt -- that I was not to spend time in grieving or feeling homesick."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Oh, my love," says Susan. She keeps touching him, soft little brushes of her fingers; it's like she can't possibly bring herself to stop. "My dear heart. I imagine your determination to be brave didn't help your loneliness." There is much she could say - about how she can read that sort of decision and determination in many of his choices now, about how she shares the same tendency, about how they're birds of a feather, about how Freud would have a tremendous amount to say on the matter. About how, of everyone she's heard about at Camelot, she should like to share Bors's hand and then make a solid list of who, of the rest, deserves a cut direct, and who deserves an upbraiding.

She doesn't say any of this though, just keeps touching Lancelot softly, giving him space to think and to speak.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No," quietly, "it didn't. I had forgotten how fresh it felt. I suppose I spent a good deal of time, before I came here, deciding what I could feel and what I ought to put by. That... that makes it harder, now, to have it brought up fresh."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes. It would." Susan knows this intimately.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot look at her a little more directly, then, his gaze keen in spite of the mixture of emotions he feels. "Thou knowest something of grief," he says softly. It isn't that he's forgotten; it's more an acknowledgement of something shared.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes," she agrees, threading their fingers together and clutching his hand close.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot brings his free hand up to stroke her cheek, kisses the corner of her mouth.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I am sorry that yours cuts keenly again," says Susan; doubtless Lancelot has come to realize in their time together just how infrequently she ever says that word, and how much she means it every time she does.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I am grateful to have thee," softly. "The joy thou bringest is a gift I could not have expected."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Nor I," Susan agrees. "But I'm tremendously grateful for it." She kisses his knuckles; her mouth quirks. "You might recall that I fancied myself frozen over when we met. I've not felt that way in a long time." She catches his gaze and holds it. "I've got you to thank for that."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot squeezes her hand gently; his smile warms. "Then I have done well by thee. There is nothing I could do to improve thee, only bring thee more happiness. I am so glad that I may."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I think--" Susan starts, and then she shakes her head, stopping herself. "No. That would rather change the subject. I shouldn't want to glide past your troubles."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No, sweet," sounding a little surprised, "Say on. We have spent time enough on my troubles, and I do feel better. I would ever know thy thoughts."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It's rather silly," she warns. It shall be a tremendous tonal shift to their conversation. "Only - there is a favor I would ask of you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I think nothing of silliness," lightly, "and would do thee any favor thou might ask."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Well," says Susan. "I suppose I've hatched a plot with Sagramore to create a welcome-back-to-life gift for Shen Yuan - it's what I was working on when you came in - and I was hoping you might be involved."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Of course I will help. What needst thou?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Merely for you to pose for a photographed portrait," says Susan, and a faint look of chagrin flits over her face as she adds, "while nude."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot laughs that sudden gasp of a laugh that means he's sincerely surprised. "What?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It's all right, you might position Regina across your lap - or your sword, or some other device. The suggestion of a prick is more important than the visual of one for this sort of medium. We're making Shen Yuan a calendar, you see. A calendar of men. Because he's ever so tremendously homosexual. Wait, I've got a sample." And she slides off of Lancelot's lap to retrieve one of the example calendars from her satchel.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He watches her, bemusedly. "Why would Shen Yuan have such an interest in me?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Why, because you're tremendously handsome, of course," says Susan, coming back over. She reclaims her spot on his lap and holds the calendar between them. "I'm afraid it's less about you specifically, and more about a bouquet of attractive men generally."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot says, "Show me, then. I am not certain I understand."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan opens the calendar to the first month. This one features a man - naked, of course; the photo includes everything from his prodigiously muscled thighs to the smirk on his face - flexing and carefully holding a small duck to obscure his groin.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He laughs and says, "Absurd!"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"But surely you see the vision, dear heart, yes?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I suppose so. Very well, I shall help."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan gives a little cry of delight and deposits a triumphant kiss on the corner of his mouth. "Oh, lovely. --I was so certain you'd take more convincing."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He grins at her, "If it will please thee, then I am happy."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Oh, it jolly shall please me tremendously. Please do act reluctant when Sagramore comes to beg your participation, though, I imagine that should be quite funny."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot grins at her, his eyes glinting. "At last, I shall have the chance to play a trick on him."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan kisses him then, light and sweet and heartfelt. As she pulls away, she says - half-tease, half-earnest - "I do love to give you as many gifts as you've given me."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It is a very fine gift, sweet." He smiles at her, brushes her cheek, and then softens a little. "Thou makest everything well."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I'm pleased to hear it," says Susan, and gives him a firm, assessing look. There is, of course, no small amount of interest laced through it. "How else might I help you? Specifically?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot rubs her back, smiling at her. "Hast helped a great deal, already. I should have spoken with thee sooner."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes," says Susan, simply. "You ought always speak to me. I would know whatever troubles you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I shall work harder to break old habits."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan looks at him fondly. "You've done tremendous work on that front, you know," she says. "You shut yourself off ever so much less than you used to when you're grappling with your feelings." She lifts his hand to her mouth and kisses his knuckles. "I suppose I might work on that as well."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Perhaps, though I think thou dost well enough, of late. We both of us can improve together."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes, but," Susan glances down. "You're right. I ought to have spoken with you instead of Magnus."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot strokes her hair. Quietly he says, "Next time, thou wilt. I-- I appreciate that thou didst think to look out for me, though. No matter my confusion."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She glances back up. "I'm afraid I shall always look out for you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I love thee," he says softly. "I will accept it with better grace, in future."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Are there ways I might help? When you're feeling homesick?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

At first he shakes his head, but then he pauses. "Was I seeming any different? These last few days?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan considers the question seriously. "Perhaps a different tenor of thoughtful," she says, at long last. It doesn't seem enough. Ought she have seen something more plainly? Did she miss some clearer sign?

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I think that I was trying very hard not to seem like I had anything on my mind. So that was perceptive of thee."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"My wily little love," says Susan, again stroking his hair.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot scoffs a little, "It is something I have always done, though I think perhaps it's not always good."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Perhaps not," Susan agrees, studying him. "I suppose it depends on if it brings you ease, to carve out the time you need to understand things in pieces." Her eyes, it must be said, do dance as she says this - it's been a good few months since she's thought of when he first said that to her, but she did hold onto that advice for quite some time. "I can understand how it might've protected you in your past."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at her quoting him. "I admit, I think I am often doing it to make it possible to set things aside. It is increasingly ineffective."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Perhaps," she says, thoughtful, "that's not such a bad thing."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I might agree, but why dost thou think so?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"That it's growing ineffective," Susan clarifies. "It speaks to your ability to confront your feelings. Goodness knows I also like to set things aside, but - I do believe addressing them when we are able serves us better."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Another one of those slow, bright smiles blooms. "Why did they not call thee Queen Susan the Wise?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan's breath catches, due mainly to the look on his face, but his words certainly don't hurt. She loves him so terribly fiercely, so all-consumingly, that it catches her by sometimes. When he's so plainly delighted, her heart leaps, joyous in tandem. "Oh, because I'm a woman and wisdom was thought to be the provenance of my brother," she says, her tone dismissive and largely unconcerned - to her, this is old news, and she cares mostly that Edmund disagreed with their people that he should have full ownership of the epithet. She's more focused on the light in Lancelot's eyes.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"That sounds foolish, to me." His gaze moves over her face, taking her in, the way the light from the window catches the blue of her eyes or the dark shine of her hair. "Thou hast helped me with this, a great deal."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan smiles at Lancelot helplessly, pleased. "Oh, it's tremendously foolish."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I'll not make the mistake of underestimating thee," he says, almost a tease. And then he cups her face in his hands and kisses her, sweetly and with heat.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

And she winds her arms around his neck, drawing herself flush against him. The kiss is intent, focused; she's pouring all her feelings into it.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He is so, so incredibly glad of her; it's a wonder, to him, that they found each other and somehow navigated their way into friendship. He would be content with friendship alone, if that was what she wished. But this -- this is nothing like he's known before. These commingled feelings of affection, desire, trust, protectiveness, safety... of simple joy. He hadn't expected any of this, even once he got past the utterly unexpected fact of walking out of one world and into another.

Lancelot had thought, once, that by partnering with Guinever he had somehow decided to close the door on the friendship and support that Arthur offered. He could not both be in love with (and sleeping with) Arthur's wife and expect Arthur to continue to see him in the same way he had before. (He has always, he's come to realize, taken Bors for granted, assumed that Bors' friendship and care was simply something owed or expected, rather than sincere. That's a different sin he's committed that he has to grapple with.) Nothing he felt for Arthur had changed, but he distanced himself at some point. He did not realize that he could have asked Guinever herself for a relationship like this one. He thinks it was probably closer to this, when they first started, and over the years the secrecy and shame and uncertainty, the pretending, took its toll.

He understands, now that they've talked, that this is why Susan was angry at Magnus. He can forgive her that, because it was no slight but an act of love. He draws her closer, deepening his kiss. He hopes she understands the fullness of what he feels for her.

After a long, long while he murmurs, "Lady, wilt thou lie down with me?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Always," Susan murmurs, and means something deeper. She threads their fingers together and rises steadily; the cast-off nude calendar gets brushed to the floor with the movement of her skirts and there she leaves it. She draws Lancelot up, as well, and into another kiss.

[lanselos_du_lac]

That meaning comes through; he returns the kiss, then sweeps her up into his arms and carries her to bed.