[Closed Post] ..the sky will come for you once..

[lanselos_du_lac]

The day is warm and bright -- it's lovely, in fact -- and so Lancelot is doing his best to ignore the strange tension that has been dogging him over the last few days. He is, of course, keeping to his usual routine, which helps, and now he is in the little clearing where he and Magnus meet for training. He's waiting for Magnus to arrive, checking the straps of Arthur's shield while he waits, and doing his best to clear his head and focus up on what he has determined they need to focus on today.

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[lanselos_du_lac]

"It would change nothing," he says, evenly. It's possible he doesn't realize he's being stubborn about this. "I don't know that I would feel better, in the end."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Indulge me," Susan says, leaning forward, against him. "Do you not generally like when you've got clarity?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I suppose I do, yes."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"If you've got clarity on your feelings, perhaps they would trouble you less. Even if you mightn't do anything about them, there's less uncertainty."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Thou'rt... reasonable," he allows.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"To a fault!"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It is thy worst trait," he says, with a note of wry humor.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I suppose it must be," with a kiss to his cheek.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot strokes her hair again, and says quietly, "It is only that it is painful. And--"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"And?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I don't know," his voice low. "I want to be happy, when I am with thee, and to make thee happy. I suppose I have been putting off untangling it."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan leans back a little then, trying to get a good look at the whole of him - his expression, his posture, the set of his mouth. "Lancelot," she says, voice soft and with the faintest edge of reproach. How ought she phrase this? "Does it bother you that I've got spells of being... rather unhappy," such as, most recently, her mixed-up feelings about the entire Aornis situation overlaid on top of her mixed-up feelings during Galahad and Claudius's wedding, when she started missing her family dreadfully, but there was also the whole of Dark, and her general mood when first they met, and-- "and that I often turn to you in those moments?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Faintly surprised, but also with the good grace to be just a little abashed as her meaning strikes home, he says, "Of course not."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"You know I don't care that you've got traumatic neuroses." She waves a hand, a loose gesture. "I mean, I care, because I care for you. Oh, you know what I mean!" She settles her hand on his wrist, brow furrowed. She'd thought they sorted this out months ago. Perhaps he's just having another moment of neurosis, but... "Do you think I can't handle it if you're not perfectly happy, due to my grief?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No, no-- not at all, I just--" He stops himself, then lets his hand rest over hers. He glances down. "It isn't thee. I think... in the back of my mind, I think I expected upset. That if I were to share my feelings... I don't know. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was expecting--"

Lancelot stops himself again, because the way he feels now he isn't entirely certain how Susan will take the truth. Frankly, it surprises him to finally find words for it. But he makes himself go on, if quietly. "I was expecting Gwen's reaction, which is naught to do with thee."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Ah." Susan certainly should like to have a word with Guinever! "Yes, I imagine that would set a tone," she says, shifting just enough that she can lean down to snag her mug for a sip of tea. Thus fortified, she makes direct eye contact. "You do make me happy, Lancelot. I'd rather you feel comfortable sharing what's on your mind without worrying about that."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Usually, I am. I think... I think perhaps what's been on my mind has made me worry that it would hurt thy feelings, somehow."

Lancelot lets out a breath, then blinks as something else occurs to him. "I-- thou'llt think me foolish, but... there is some part of me that feels thou shouldst not have to fret over or defend me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Well, naturally I--" Susan starts, and then stops, tilting her head and taking Lancelot in for a long moment. "Are you - what are you saying? That you prefer a situation which would inspire that sort of response not arise, or that, if the situation should arise, you prefer I stand back?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot shakes his head, taking her hand in his. He looks down, "No, no-- nothing like that. I mean to say, I think the root of my trouble is that some part of me feels that I should do those things for thee, because thou'rt a lady. And it is not for ladies to have to come to the defense of men. Of knights."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I'm afraid I've got a long history of coming to the defense of kings, even," says Susan, threading their fingers together.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Such thoughts do not grant thee the credit thou dost deserve," softly. "Forgive me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Sweetheart," says Susan, squeezing his hand. "You shan't hurt my feelings by sharing your own. It isn't in my nature to stand idly by when someone I love is being misjudged or mistreated, and I'm inclined to be particularly defensive of you," since no one else has ever been appropriately defensive of him! "But I should like you to put worries about how I might take whatever you might feel aside. If it's something I mislike, we can discuss it, just like I hope we'd approach if I said or did something you didn't care for. Such as," now a little wry, "when I confronted Magnus."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles a little then leans in to kiss her cheek, silent for now as he sorts through all of this.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Does it bother you badly that I'm defensive of you?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It doesn't bother me," he says, sounding careful only because he's still working it out. His brow furrows. "I suppose I am not used to it, and perhaps did not expect thee to feel so strongly."

Which is also not precisely what he means, but is at least closer.