[Closed Post] ..the sky will come for you once..

[lanselos_du_lac]

The day is warm and bright -- it's lovely, in fact -- and so Lancelot is doing his best to ignore the strange tension that has been dogging him over the last few days. He is, of course, keeping to his usual routine, which helps, and now he is in the little clearing where he and Magnus meet for training. He's waiting for Magnus to arrive, checking the straps of Arthur's shield while he waits, and doing his best to clear his head and focus up on what he has determined they need to focus on today.

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[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan blinks, stunned. "Not my place?" she asks after a beat, working very hard to keep her voice from scaling up as she says it.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He grasps for an explanation that makes sense, his sense of upset or worry rising. This probably shows in his face. "It was between Magnus and myself."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Lancelot," she says, slowly, fingers flexing against his hand. "Your well-being is my business. I shan't apologize for wanting to ensure no one is taking advantage of your goodwill."

[lanselos_du_lac]

His jaw clenches briefly, his fingers spasming a little around her own. With his free hand he pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She watches him for a long moment, feeling rather like the ground she'd felt so certain of when she'd taken a step has started to sag beneath her foot. "What?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I don't know, love," softly. "I am sorry."

He withdraws his hand from hers, but only so that he can lean into her and slide his arm around her waist, burying his face in her hair, against her shoulder.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She turns to him then, sliding a hand along his back, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "You're upset," she says, brow furrowed. "Talk to me."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I am sorry," he says again, softly, "I should not be cross with thee because I am-- when thou wert trying to take care."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"If you're cross with me then be cross with me," Susan frowns. "Only tell me why."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He sits up, brushing her cheek. His gaze is still troubled, his color high.

After a long moment he says, "I think-- I am cross because thou shouldst have spoken with me. Not Magnus. There was no harm in what Magnus asked of me. But it isn't Magnus, or thee, that has me out of sorts. It's-- none of it makes sense to me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I ought to have spoken more with you," Susan allows, though she can't imagine she kept her feelings on the subject hidden and unknown. "But he's a thoughtless boy who fails to consider the impacts of his actions on a good day. I - suppose I lost my temper." She still doesn't think she was in the wrong, though! So she pushes on to the next point. "What doesn't make sense?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I--" He stops himself, tries to refocus. He still feels off, in a very unpleasant way, but it is comforting that Susan is as deliberate and careful as ever. He takes a breath and starts again. "I have felt off, of late. It isn't anger, but it feels a little like that. I keep thinking about-- I don't know. I thought I had stopped thinking of Camelot as home, but it is like that... like missing home. Wishing I might somehow fix things. Thinking of... all the ways I might have had or done things differently."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan tries to parse this, but it's not easy to follow. "You've got regrets?" she summarizes.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot considers this, then clarifies, "I do not so much regret what I did or did not do, but that -- had I but known better -- I could have had or made other choices. It stings. And, too, I... I think it has nearly been a year, since I left Camelot. That... I don't know how to feel about that. I don't wish to leave thee, I don't know that I wish to return, but it's complicated."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It's different for you," Susan surmises. "You've got something you might be able to go back to." Susan hasn't, naturally. She misses Ingrid and sometimes Miriam, but apart from them, everyone she loves is dead and unreachable, off in Aslan's dreadful little world where they aren't even permitted to be themselves anymore. "I expect that would make things complicated. I suppose it's useless to say there isn't any point in dwelling in what-ifs." After all, Susan tries to avoid those as much as possible.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot strokes her hair. He understands the difference she is highlighting, and it pains him to think that if something were to happen and they were all thrown back into their own worlds, Susan would no doubt be lonelier. But this does help slot something into place for him.

"It's not so much that I am dwelling on it, I suppose. But-- I have done my best not to think or feel much of it. After... after some of the things that have happened here, of late, I find it harder to set aside."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Ah," says Susan. "So you're cathecting to the what-ifs. Then I suppose you oughtn't shut those thoughts down," though she has no intention of thinking about how things might've been with her family if she'd remembered Narnia before they died - she's content to simply write it off as at least she's alive and not in Aslan's land. "And you ought instead explore your feelings." And she gives him an expectant look.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He has the urge to say that he does not wish to explore his feelings, but thankfully Susan's thinking aloud has raised a different question. "Cathecting?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

As always, it's easy to intellectualize her care - at least Susan is aware of her use of this defense mechanism. She says, "Yes. Freud spoke of cathexis. It's the investment of libido - one's emotional energies - into an object or idea. One must safely discharge such energy to prevent damage to one's psyche."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"And should one not do so...?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Then it becomes a complex, which is destabilizing and reduces inner balance and often leads to greater pain. Sweetheart," she says, stroking his hair back from his face. "Is it really so dreadful to confront your feelings?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I would--" He pauses, takes in Susan's presence, her nearness. He lets out a breath. "Yes. I would rather not. There is so much that is good here. It seems a shame to waste it in feeling poorly about things that are not so."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Would it be a waste?" Susan asks, startled. "If you felt better in the end?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It would change nothing," he says, evenly. It's possible he doesn't realize he's being stubborn about this. "I don't know that I would feel better, in the end."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Indulge me," Susan says, leaning forward, against him. "Do you not generally like when you've got clarity?"