[Closed Post] ..lines we're leaving behind..

[lanselos_du_lac]

He doesn't really mean to, but Lancelot keeps to his rooms for a time in the wake of the latest mansion upheaval. He doesn't disappear for days, and he mostly keeps his routines -- he does spend a little more time riding -- but he is subdued and not idly floating about for socializing.

It could have been worse. He knows this. He knows, too, that no one did this on purpose; he's grateful for Susan and Nightingale's understanding. But none of that makes it easier to regain his emotional balance. Much like that day (which felt very long), he is still grappling occasionally with that sensation of being... just outside of himself, a step removed, dizzy and longing to be even further away.

Still, he does not want to punish Susan and he knows they should talk. So this morning after he puts up Rivelin, he goes to find Susan, wherever she might be.

Comments

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Better," he smiles a little, "though, then I couldn't bear to let... either of thee out of my sight."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I noticed." She thinks it's rather sweet.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at her, clasping her hand briefly to kiss her fingertips. "I should have been well sooner. I'm sorry."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Should you have done?" Susan isn't so sure.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I should not have kept thee at a distance," he amends, "Thou wert good to me. As was Thomas. I just-- I needed time, and--"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Lancelot - I'm not upset with you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Of course not," softly. "I'm upset that this happened at all. Thomas is a good friend, and if I had to wake up someone else I'm glad it was him rather than someone I didn't know - which, speaking of, did you see your young friend Gideon switched with Janet and cut off all her hair?! I'd have been absolutely furious about that - but I would much rather have stayed myself. I dislike the situation. I hate that you had to deal with this sort of thing a second time. I've - missed you the past few days. But I understand it, and I'm not angry with you for it."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He rests his free hand on her knee, regards her softly, looking a little overcome. (He does want to hear about what happened with Gideon, but if he doesn't go on now, he never will.)

"I thank thee," feelingly, "thou'rt a blessing to me. I-- if I may I would tell thee one thing more, because I cannot understand it."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes, of course."

[lanselos_du_lac]

A little nod, and he takes a sip of tea before setting the cup aside on the little table nearby.

"As soon as I woke, and thou saidst-- no, Thomas said he was not thee," he gives her a quick searching look, as if he's still unsure whether he should say what's been eating at him for days. "I could see it was so. It was thy body, but there were things I could see that spoke... not of Susan. And I keep thinking, how is it I could see that so easily but-- at Corbenic I could not see that Gwen wasn't Gwen?"

He has to look away, because even saying it out loud pains him.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Since his hand is free now, Susan reaches for it with one of hers, threading their fingers together. "Perhaps because you knew to be wary of such things, after Corbenic?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Perhaps," quietly. "It's true, that was different. This was nothing like that. And perhaps I was under an enchantment or... something else. It was a glamour, perhaps. It makes no sense that I should be stuck, this way, thinking this, but it will not leave me be."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan hesitates. "What exactly is a glamour?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Hm, a-- a kind of spell that deceives about the true nature of a person. A seeming."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Elaine specifically sought to deceive you," Susan says, aiming for gentle but (to her own private chagrin) once more sounding businesslike. "Of course you wouldn't have noticed. No one was trying to hide the truth from you this time, and you were more aware of the possibility, so of course you'd see the signs more quickly."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot considers this, nodding a little before he says, hesitantly, "It-- I think I was made to wonder whether that had anything to do with why Guinever was so angry with me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan has her own opinions about that, but she chooses to keep them private for now. "That makes sense," she says, cautiously.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He sighs, "Perhaps it's only that I still look for ways to take the blame upon myself."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Lancelot," Susan says, and sighs, too. She takes another sip of her tea and leans forward to set the half-empty mug next to Lancelot's, then tucks herself back against him, pulling his arm more firmly around her. "That sort of thing - taking the blame upon yourself - it's an eminently reasonable reaction, I think. Definitionally irrational, but reasonable."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Dost think so?" He pulls her a little closer, holding her a little tighter. He relaxes a little, once he allows himself to look at her directly.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"What happened with Elaine and then with Guinever - none of that was your fault. None." Susan says this emphatically, meeting his gaze the entire time she says it. After, she wets her lips, a thoughtless quirk as she thinks through what else to say. "But when something dreadful happens - especially when we cannot confront its scope with the people best equipped to soothe our concerns after it happens - I believe it becomes easier for our minds to trip over the singular clear constant throughout... whatever befell us: ourselves."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot takes in a long, somewhat shaky breath, closing his eyes for a moment.

It isn't that no one showed him kindness in Camelot, in the aftermath of Corbenic. He knows, now, that Arthur tried and that Lancelot just could not hear him. (And, it seems, that Guinever refused to hear Arthur.) But until he came here, no one spoke to him plainly or directly about it, about what he felt and why he felt that way. And certainly no one has done so as carefully, as directly, with quite as much care as Susan.

He feels himself wavering -- the relief at hearing her make sense of his experiences, his feelings; the way he felt when he awoke and understood that Susan wasn't Susan. The unbalancing dissonance of seeing Thomas Nightingale's body with Susan's mannerisms, of seeing Susan and knowing, without a doubt, that she was not herself. For a moment, he thinks he might crumble. But he takes another breath and instead pulls her to him, to embrace her properly, bury his face in her shoulder, awkward as it is with how they're sitting.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan, meanwhile, bundles her arms around him, stroking the back of his head with one hand and pressing a kiss to his temple. "There, there," she says, now kissing the crown of his head. "I've got you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

And despite how he wants to rally, to raise himself up, to kiss her soundly and move on from this... that care and sweetness nearly overwhelm him. It seems an invitation to trust, to let go, to rely on her, and he melts against her, letting himself sink into the comfort of her presence, her voice, her smell. She can certainly feel it, the way the tension leaves him in a little rush, the way he clings to her.