[Closed Post] ..lines we're leaving behind..

[lanselos_du_lac]

He doesn't really mean to, but Lancelot keeps to his rooms for a time in the wake of the latest mansion upheaval. He doesn't disappear for days, and he mostly keeps his routines -- he does spend a little more time riding -- but he is subdued and not idly floating about for socializing.

It could have been worse. He knows this. He knows, too, that no one did this on purpose; he's grateful for Susan and Nightingale's understanding. But none of that makes it easier to regain his emotional balance. Much like that day (which felt very long), he is still grappling occasionally with that sensation of being... just outside of himself, a step removed, dizzy and longing to be even further away.

Still, he does not want to punish Susan and he knows they should talk. So this morning after he puts up Rivelin, he goes to find Susan, wherever she might be.

Comments

[lanselos_du_lac]

He does settle his arm around her shoulders, tugging her a little closer. "Sweet," he says softly, "I do love thee."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Good," she says, firmly, leaning against him - not so close that she can't see his face, though - and curling both her hands around her mug. "Tell me what's on your mind, please?" The 'please' is tacked on, half a beat later than the rest; her voice sounds smaller than she'd like as she says it.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Because of-- all of that, the other day?" He stifles a sigh and doesn't wait for her to answer. "It was unsettling. I know no one did it deliberately. Thomas, and thee-- wert very good to me, understanding. I don't know what else to say."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Thomas is a good man," Susan agrees. She's watching him closely. "I would hear you speak about your feelings."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He takes in a long breath, lets it out, sips his tea. There's a long space of quiet before he says, "All of them?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"All of them," Susan confirms. "We can go one by one, if you'd like."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Some I can't describe well," he stares into the mug, "There was that same sensation as... that day we spoke of my feelings for you. What did you call it? Nervous--?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

As Susan had feared. "Traumatic neurosis," she supplies. He might be looking at his tea, but she's watching him. "Because the person in bed with you who looked like - like your lover was another wearing her - my face?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Yes," solemnly. "It was, perhaps, not so bad as it might be. You-- Thomas told me right away. I did ask if... if it was on purpose, and he said no."

He pauses, still keeping his gaze elsewhere, "I did wish for my sword. Or the dagger. What if-- I needed to protect thee? Or find thee? Or-- fix it somehow?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

This silly sweet man! Susan shifts a little, cupping his cheek with one mug-warmed hand. She doesn't bother saying that she can take care of herself, even though she rather thinks she can; they can sort that out later. "I imagine you might have soon remembered the arrows in my closet, should it have been necessary."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Perhaps," he allows. He glances at her, still subdued, though her touch helps. A little part of him hopes that that will be sufficient (though he knows she'll have it all out, one way or another).

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"So Thomas told you immediately who he was and that he didn't cause it," says Susan. She moves her hand back around her mug long enough to take a careful sip of her tea, then rests the hand on his chest. "And you felt a panic?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It started when he said thy-- he was not Susan. It never quite lifted." He takes another breath. "At first I didn't know where thou wast, if aught was wrong with thee or if thou wert safe. And then, once thou wast here-- the whole thing was unsettling."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It rather was, wasn't it?" Susan shivers, then tucks herself more firmly under his arm. "Was it worse or better when I got there?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Better," he smiles a little, "though, then I couldn't bear to let... either of thee out of my sight."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I noticed." She thinks it's rather sweet.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at her, clasping her hand briefly to kiss her fingertips. "I should have been well sooner. I'm sorry."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Should you have done?" Susan isn't so sure.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I should not have kept thee at a distance," he amends, "Thou wert good to me. As was Thomas. I just-- I needed time, and--"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Lancelot - I'm not upset with you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Of course not," softly. "I'm upset that this happened at all. Thomas is a good friend, and if I had to wake up someone else I'm glad it was him rather than someone I didn't know - which, speaking of, did you see your young friend Gideon switched with Janet and cut off all her hair?! I'd have been absolutely furious about that - but I would much rather have stayed myself. I dislike the situation. I hate that you had to deal with this sort of thing a second time. I've - missed you the past few days. But I understand it, and I'm not angry with you for it."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He rests his free hand on her knee, regards her softly, looking a little overcome. (He does want to hear about what happened with Gideon, but if he doesn't go on now, he never will.)

"I thank thee," feelingly, "thou'rt a blessing to me. I-- if I may I would tell thee one thing more, because I cannot understand it."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes, of course."

[lanselos_du_lac]

A little nod, and he takes a sip of tea before setting the cup aside on the little table nearby.

"As soon as I woke, and thou saidst-- no, Thomas said he was not thee," he gives her a quick searching look, as if he's still unsure whether he should say what's been eating at him for days. "I could see it was so. It was thy body, but there were things I could see that spoke... not of Susan. And I keep thinking, how is it I could see that so easily but-- at Corbenic I could not see that Gwen wasn't Gwen?"

He has to look away, because even saying it out loud pains him.