[Open post] ..life's a hall of mirrors..

[lanselos_du_lac]

It's been an exhausting few days. While the zombie siege was dangerous, Lancelot is proud of how they handled things, together -- even though not everyone is friends. He was also, he must admit, grateful for the diversion. There is too much on his mind, after the truth-telling spell, and most of it sits like a stone in him... making his sleep even worse, weighing on his heart.

Still, all of that is strangely intermixed with hope. He has a few new friendships that feel like how he remembers friendship feeling -- pleasure in each other's company, time well spent, connection. There's a little piece of him that feels as if he gave that up with youth. (He was always glad to be in Arthur's company, or Guinevere's, he misses them in a way that's sometimes physically painful now that they're away from him. But all of that feels shored up by duty, devotion, love -- nothing simple.) He is glad he could speak plainly with Galahad, glad for all of these new possibilities. Glad of Susan, Laertes, Grantaire -- even Sagramore, whom only months ago he would have given little notice.

So he's reverted to keeping to himself, a little, while he thinks things through. He keeps his schedule: sleep (or not sleeping), drills in the morning, finding something to eat after that, wandering the mansion or the grounds. He's not as adrift as he was, and he is sober most of the time now, but it's an adjustment.

This afternoon he's determined that it's been too long since he took proper care of his sword. He's found a bench and has set himself up there to clean, hone, and oil the blade.

Comments

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It is queer, to go from mid-spring to mid-autumn with no summer in-between," Susan observes. She looks over at him, sideways, head tilted back so she can take him in. Always winter, never Christmas, she thinks. She is practicing remembering Narnia now, remembering what Lancelot had said about understanding things in pieces. "When I was a child, we went from a dreary summer day to the dead of winter when we first passed into Narnia." A wry twist to her lips. "But when I was a child, it seemed a grander adventure. I do like autumn, at least."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Autumn is usually pleasant, aye. Today feels like false summer, to me." He looks her over, noting the book. "Did you come seeking somewhere to read?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I came seeking some time outside," Susan admits. "The book seemed a good excuse." She holds it up; it's a translation of Freud's Civilization and Its Discontents. "I thought to try and understand the vagaries of my own memory, but this seemed more interesting."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lightly, a little carefully, he says, "More interesting than thyself? Surely not."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan casts her eyes downward, a flush staining her cheeks. "You flatter me," she says, secretly quite pleased. "I simply meant that this book is by the man I told you of when we met, who spoke of the unconscious and its defense mechanisms. But this book is less focused on the unconscious, and more on the tension between the self and society."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at her, pleased at the flush, "I remember thy lesson on Freud. I've been thinking on it."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Have you! I am pleased to hear it," Susan says. "I don't believe I could ever be a psychoanalyst myself, but I find the subject fascinating. As well you know."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Aye, so I do. It is useful to think on, I find," quietly. "Makes little easier, but helps in some ways."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I like to have knots to untangle," Susan admits. "Whether they be within my self or within the world around me. I like how once the threads are straightened, the logic beneath them is clear." Another wry twist of her lips. "I did not expect to discover the particular knots that I have this week, but I have considered your counsel. Focusing on a fragment at a time is... good." She doesn't want to get bogged down by this today, though; it's been a good day so far, so she looks out across the sun on the grass and adds, "I say. Do you fancy a picnic?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at hearing he's been helpful to her.

"A picnic sounds very pleasant."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I could fetch some sandwiches while you finish... polishing your sword," Susan offers, raising her eyebrows in a way that frames her statement as more of a question than anything.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He chuckles, "Very well. I'm nearly finished. I shall put it away in my room and then come to find you."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

So Susan stands, slipping her book back in her pocket and squeezing Lancelot's shoulder once before heading into the kitchen. There she finds a basket, and packs it full of a canteen of tea, several hearty sandwiches, and a packet of biscuits. She throws in a couple apples for good measure, and tops it all with a blanket and eating implements; then she goes to wait for Lancelot by the door.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He joins her shortly after, looking bright and optimistic.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan looks at him for a moment, expression soft and open. It's not a smile, but the sentiment is there. Then she slip a hand around his arm. "I'm afraid I don't know the best picnic spots around here," she says, aiming for a conspiratorial tone and landing within the correct ballpark, for once. "Any ideas?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot feels warmed all over by her hand on his arm. He says, "I admit, I have not explored much, but it seems we can either go toward the lake's edge or more toward the woods. I am happy with whatever pleases you, lady."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Perhaps a place in-between, so that we may admire both?" Susan suggests.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Aye, very well-- let's stroll to find a place to your liking."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She sets off then, setting a meandering sort of pace for the two of them. "You said you were doing well to-day," she says. "How are you settling in, here?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I'm not certain I am settling in, but today I feel good," easily. "It was good to be useful. I have been trying to stay active. I admit, though, it is best when I have someone such as yourself to talk to."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"You flatterer," Susan says, glancing up at his face and then back to the yard in front of them. "What's more difficult, for you? Being here, or not being there?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I'm not flattering, I tell thee truth," in a bantering tone that does nothing to remove the sincerity of what he says. "I suppose just now it is harder to be away, though I'd rather keep sight of here."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"You miss - your people."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He gives a tiny shrug, "I do, though I suppose it's more that I feel I'm shirking my duty by staying away."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan has a dim memory of Lancelot telling her he had been questing after falling out with the Queen. "That is difficult," she agrees. "I imagine it doesn't help that you did not come here purposefully?"