[Open post] ..life's a hall of mirrors..

[lanselos_du_lac]

It's been an exhausting few days. While the zombie siege was dangerous, Lancelot is proud of how they handled things, together -- even though not everyone is friends. He was also, he must admit, grateful for the diversion. There is too much on his mind, after the truth-telling spell, and most of it sits like a stone in him... making his sleep even worse, weighing on his heart.

Still, all of that is strangely intermixed with hope. He has a few new friendships that feel like how he remembers friendship feeling -- pleasure in each other's company, time well spent, connection. There's a little piece of him that feels as if he gave that up with youth. (He was always glad to be in Arthur's company, or Guinevere's, he misses them in a way that's sometimes physically painful now that they're away from him. But all of that feels shored up by duty, devotion, love -- nothing simple.) He is glad he could speak plainly with Galahad, glad for all of these new possibilities. Glad of Susan, Laertes, Grantaire -- even Sagramore, whom only months ago he would have given little notice.

So he's reverted to keeping to himself, a little, while he thinks things through. He keeps his schedule: sleep (or not sleeping), drills in the morning, finding something to eat after that, wandering the mansion or the grounds. He's not as adrift as he was, and he is sober most of the time now, but it's an adjustment.

This afternoon he's determined that it's been too long since he took proper care of his sword. He's found a bench and has set himself up there to clean, hone, and oil the blade.

Comments

[lanselos_du_lac]

He looks up at her voice, and his whole expression lights. He answers easily, "Some while ago, very early, lady."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"But that's hours ago!" Susan crosses her arms, mock-stern as she steps closer still. She is glad to see Lancelot, and takes a moment to marvel inwardly at that gladness.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot laughs a little at her sternness, "Aye, that's so. I could be made to eat another meal."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"You look busy," she says, sitting down at the edge of the bench, next to him, and peering over him at the sword.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I could be done very soon, though this is-- what's the word? Relaxing." He glances over at her briefly, the smile fixed in place, and then back to the blade.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"What is it with men and polishing their swords?" Susan asks, raising an eyebrow at Lancelot and shaking her head, practically playfully.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot laughs quietly, "Well, lady, we did have a battle. Must needs be certain I am ready for the next."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Surely there won't be another anytime soon," Susan says, with more hope than certainty; she's a little more subdued at the reminder.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Aye, I pray so, too," wiping the last of the oil from the blade. "But I would rather be ready."

He sheathes the sword and looks up at her, fully present now. "I am glad to see thee."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"And I, you," Susan says. "You look like you're doing well." It's phrased as a statement, but there's a question underneath it: he's been poorly, lately, and as he pointed out, there was that battle.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I am--" He pauses, actually thinking about it for a moment. "I am better today. Activity served me well, and I ended it unharmed. Things are still difficult but today I am glad."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I am glad to hear it," says Susan. "I, too, found refuge in clear tasks to complete."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot shifts to face her, still with that glad, warm expression, "And now, here we are. A lovely day."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It is, isn't it," Susan says, glancing out over the lawn. She feels warmed by his attention, in a queer way that doesn't bear looking at directly. "The weather here is often fair. I don't know about your experiences in England of old, but it's often dreary in my London."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It rains more frequently at Camelot than many would like to discuss," in as joking a tone as he ever gets. "We do get some splendid days-- this one is warmer, I think, even if it is autumn." He looks at her, trying not to say again how glad he is to see her.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"It is queer, to go from mid-spring to mid-autumn with no summer in-between," Susan observes. She looks over at him, sideways, head tilted back so she can take him in. Always winter, never Christmas, she thinks. She is practicing remembering Narnia now, remembering what Lancelot had said about understanding things in pieces. "When I was a child, we went from a dreary summer day to the dead of winter when we first passed into Narnia." A wry twist to her lips. "But when I was a child, it seemed a grander adventure. I do like autumn, at least."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Autumn is usually pleasant, aye. Today feels like false summer, to me." He looks her over, noting the book. "Did you come seeking somewhere to read?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I came seeking some time outside," Susan admits. "The book seemed a good excuse." She holds it up; it's a translation of Freud's Civilization and Its Discontents. "I thought to try and understand the vagaries of my own memory, but this seemed more interesting."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lightly, a little carefully, he says, "More interesting than thyself? Surely not."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan casts her eyes downward, a flush staining her cheeks. "You flatter me," she says, secretly quite pleased. "I simply meant that this book is by the man I told you of when we met, who spoke of the unconscious and its defense mechanisms. But this book is less focused on the unconscious, and more on the tension between the self and society."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at her, pleased at the flush, "I remember thy lesson on Freud. I've been thinking on it."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Have you! I am pleased to hear it," Susan says. "I don't believe I could ever be a psychoanalyst myself, but I find the subject fascinating. As well you know."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Aye, so I do. It is useful to think on, I find," quietly. "Makes little easier, but helps in some ways."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"I like to have knots to untangle," Susan admits. "Whether they be within my self or within the world around me. I like how once the threads are straightened, the logic beneath them is clear." Another wry twist of her lips. "I did not expect to discover the particular knots that I have this week, but I have considered your counsel. Focusing on a fragment at a time is... good." She doesn't want to get bogged down by this today, though; it's been a good day so far, so she looks out across the sun on the grass and adds, "I say. Do you fancy a picnic?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He smiles at hearing he's been helpful to her.

"A picnic sounds very pleasant."