[Closed Post] ..the sky will come for you once..

[lanselos_du_lac]

The day is warm and bright -- it's lovely, in fact -- and so Lancelot is doing his best to ignore the strange tension that has been dogging him over the last few days. He is, of course, keeping to his usual routine, which helps, and now he is in the little clearing where he and Magnus meet for training. He's waiting for Magnus to arrive, checking the straps of Arthur's shield while he waits, and doing his best to clear his head and focus up on what he has determined they need to focus on today.

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[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Because he loves the both of you, do you suppose?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Yes," quietly. "I hope they are doing better together, now."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

For a long moment, Susan studies Lancelot. She can't say that she's certain they must be, a little bit because she doesn't know, not at all and certainly not for certain, but mostly because she worries he'll take that to mean there's a subtext of without you to her words. "I do hope so," she says, finally, squeezing his hand. "Was it good, to be able to speak of it all with Arthur?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot, perhaps unsurprisingly, had been thinking without me -- so it is probably best that Susan didn't reinforce it!

He says, "We did not speak deeply of it-- I wasn't sure what good it would do, as I believed he was trapped here. Still... it helped, I think, to know he knew and was making a choice."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

She nods, fingers stroking over the back of his hand. "How long were they together before you and Guinever started--" she pauses, then decides, "Your relationship?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He looks thoughtful for a moment, "Perhaps five years? Perhaps a little less."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Did you know them before they - got together?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"No, when I came to court Arthur was already High King and wed. I can admit that my attraction to Guinever was almost immediate but we did resist it, for a time."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"For how long? Was it mutual from the start?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I think it was. For me, it all seems... as if a glamour was cast on us. I think it was perhaps a year before anything more took place between us."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan nods, thumb stroking over the side of Lancelot's hand, again and again. "And how quickly did you fall for Arthur?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

This question seems, impossibly, to surprise him somehow. He blinks at her. "What?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Was it also immediate, or did it take time?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I--" He has grown more used to speaking frankly of his feelings for Arthur, but there is still a newness about it. (In truth, he often does his best to forget them entirely, as if that were possible.) He tries again, "I think it was immediate, at least for me. Or very quickly indeed. We were fast friends. I suppose I wasn't certain my feelings had moved beyond that until I was here, without him. It isn't something one can speak of, there, so perhaps I set it by."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan leans in to kiss him then, on the corner of his mouth, soft and sweet. "We're both of us terribly good at that sort of thing, aren't we," she muses rhetorically as she sits back again. "Setting things by. But," she adds, remembering the impetus for their conversation. "Is this one of the bits that's become more difficult for you to set aside, of late?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot smiles at her, though it has a slightly sad cast to it. He brushes back her hair and lets himself feel a swell of gratitude that she understands him in this.

"For now, I think I am at peace with it," he answers, honestly. "But-- I think of how I might have done things differently. I might have married and had children of my own, that I could raise. I might have asked the King for a manor. After I came to court, and stayed, I set nearly everything else aside for love of the Queen, and I did not understand how I might hurt all of us by doing so."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

So subtly as to be nearly imperceptible, Susan stills; her unflinching gaze becomes a shade more watchful. Carefully - around the warning klaxons blaring deep inside her - she asks, "Is that something you might want? Marriage and children?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

He cannot help it; there is something to the way her posture changes, something in her gaze that turns that swell of warmth into a warning.

(He thinks, briefly, of the way it sometimes seemed the temperature in the room would change when Guinever was feeling fragile. It was worst, of course, when he came to her after Corbenic, prefacing everything with phrases meant to ease her at his own expense, that yet did nothing of the sort. Guinever and Susan are, in nearly every way, not alike. And yet.)

Lancelot sits back a little -- bracing himself, perhaps. But he does keep her hand in his.

"It was," he begins, "the sort of thing I always expected. The sort of thing that was assumed. I had no lands, any longer, to pass to a son, but that can be changed. Once I came to court, and came to love the Queen, I put all such thoughts aside. None of that was for me. Those were not things I could ever hope for, and that was well enough because I loved her so. Now--"

He stops, makes an effort to make himself not sit rigid, to not anticipate a blow.

"Here I spend time with Sunny, and it is so joyous. I-- the day that some were changed to children, I was with Galahad and it hurt to think I never had him by me as he should have been, that his mother gave him over to be raised the way he was. I would have..." Lancelot stops, takes a breath. It doesn't help. Around the tightness in his chest, he says, "I do not know that I want that. Or that I might. I only know, now, that I kept myself from it and that no good came from it. We all of us were hurt, and then badly wounded, or worse. And now I do not know what I wanted, except that I wanted -- or I would have wanted -- to love them and care for them and ease them, and that I did none of them any good."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan kisses him again then, partly to ease her racing mind, partly to give herself time to sort out her reaction. But she oughtn't let it run too long - she shouldn't want Lancelot to think she's trying to distract him from the conversation.

She hasn't got anything sorted out by the time she draws away. "When you say you were all hurt and that you did no one any good- do you mean you and Arthur and Guinever, or you and Galahad, or just Galahad and Arthur and Guinever, or --?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"All of us," tightly. He has to clear his throat, glance away.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"And," she says, soldiering on, "my love, when you say you did none of them any good, what precisely do you mean by that?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"They came to harm, we all did. If I had-- if I had chosen differently, held to what I was meant for, I could have spared us all."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"'Spared' how?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

His free hand comes up to rub at his forehead, "I don't know. It aches, that's all."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Your love isn't something to be borne, or suffered," Susan says, squeezing his fingers between hers and moving her other hand to lift his gently away from his forehead, then folds it against his chest, over his heart. "You don't make lives worse for being in them. You know that, right?"