[Open Post] ..hell yes i mind..

[lanselos_du_lac]

It's been a long while since Lancelot felt this way: angry and adrift, too overwhelmed and in his own head to determine how best to manage it. (If Susan were here, it would be simple -- but the fact that his Susan is gone is part of the problem.) His anger is a hot stone at his center, a roiling mess, a weapon without a target. He still feels that he would like to smash something, start a fight, find some way to externalize everything all the things he could not bring himself to say to the Galahad who is far older than he ought to be, the quiet king of a quiet kingdom.

A fulfilled purpose. A completed quest. A long chain of manipulation and events that dragged Lancelot along in its wake, and that (in this other time, he has to acknowledge, not his time and not now) led only to the ruin of everything Lancelot had cared for. And for what? It makes him furious to think that the price of the Grail was Galahad's joy, Galahad's self, and that that price was somehow being paid long before Galahad was even born.

That's just the start of it; there is more, much more, and it feels like it will keep spooling out without ceasing.

His impulse, as ever, is to stalk off to his room and stay there until he feels he can manage himself. (He thinks, not for the first time, of himself ten years older and outwardly angry, angry enough that everyone sees it, fears him or dreads his company. A man who lashes out. He does not want that future, but this possibility has always been somewhere just under the surface; he's always known it. Sometimes it has worked for him, with him, but he knows that it is dangerous and there is no one in this place that he would want to bear witness to it.) If this were Camelot, that is what he would do.

Since he can't figure what to do, he settles for a middle ground. It's been a long while since he felt like getting very deliberately drunk, but that appeals just now, and so he heads for one of the smaller bars, just off the main corridor.

^{[Note: All are welcome! Those who care for Lancelot and/or those who also wish to fistfight God are particularly welcome.]}

Comments

[lanselos_du_lac]

"About Elaine?"

[vineleaves]

“Yeah.” And then he adds, “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’ll listen.”

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot considers for a moment, sipping his drink, and then says, "I usually do my best not to think of what happened at Corbenic. Or of her. But King Galahad spoke of her, briefly, and-- I find that I'm angry on her behalf. That's never been the case before."

[vineleaves]

“What did he say?”

[lanselos_du_lac]

"He said that she was dead, but that it was well, because she had served her purpose to God." He clenches his jaw briefly then goes on. "He said this as if it were a kindness. As if we should all be proud. As if I should feel all right about what she had done to me, about what had happened for her, because it was God's plan or his will."

He finds that he is still, in spite of the bourbon and Dionysus' care, very angry about this in particular.

[vineleaves]

Dionysus, as it turns out, is also very angry about this. "Fucking hell, are you serious?" As he says this, there's a slight, almost-imperceptible shaking in the room, like being in a movie theater when a particularly loud scene is playing, except without the sound and without the movie. "That's the most -- just the -- the absolute most infuriating thing I've ever fucking heard. The idea that someone would not only willingly allow that, but cause it as part of a shit plan to get a stupid cup he already knew the location of? Sweetheart, I'm so sorry, not one damn bit of this should have happened to any of you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot glances over at Dionysus, and he looks like he's surprised to be so moved by the vehemency of his reaction. He isn't even sure what to say; he'd anticipated that Dionysus would be angry, but he had not expected that sort of force on his behalf.

[vineleaves]

Dionysus takes a few deep breaths, and the room does stop vibrating at least, though he’s still very visibly pissed off. “Well the — the good news is you’re safe from any further bullshit from that god, though I know that’s sort of too little too late to likely be much comfort.”

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot reaches over to squeeze his shoulder. "No-- it is a comfort. As are my friends here." His voice is quiet and sincere.

[vineleaves]

Dionysus reaches to cup Lancelot's cheek with his hand. "I'm glad, dear. You deserve every comfort."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"My thanks," smiling a little, "it helps to hear that I'm not being unreasonable."

[vineleaves]

"Did -- did someone tell you that you were being unreasonable? I'll have a talk with them if they did."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot shakes his head, "No, no one here."

[vineleaves]

He sighs, relieved a little at least. “Well that’s good. Everyone here’s got enough sense.”

[lanselos_du_lac]

"It has sometimes been difficult for me to-- feel as I feel."

[vineleaves]

"How do you mean?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"The feelings of others come first," quietly, into his glass, as if this explains it.

[vineleaves]

"So you've been putting your own feelings aside, for others?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"In some ways, it is what I am used to. In others-- it is usually easier to simply not think of the things that cause hurt or anger."

[vineleaves]

"Have you ever tried keeping a journal? Sometimes it's easier to get emotions out if you're writing them down. Emotions -- they should be felt, and experienced, when they're happening, even the ones we don't like. The hard part is finding ways to let them out and acknowledge what they are, sometimes."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot chuckles, which is probably (at least a little) down to the bourbon.

"Why should we experience what hurts us, if we can avoid it? Why would I write these things down, if I will feel better on the morrow?"

[vineleaves]

"When something upsets you, you're going to be upset about it, whether you express that emotion and get it out or not. Keeping it in will only make you feel worse in the long run. Do you -- are you familiar with the concept of catharsis?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Yes," though it does come out perhaps a little warily. In a tone that suggests a kind of rote reporting, he says, "It is something I learned of in discussing psychoanalysis with Susan -- the sudden release of unspent emotion. I have also heard it may happen by means of reading something that moves a person to feel things they might not otherwise feel."

[vineleaves]

Dionysus nods. "It's often cathartic to write your feelings down. Especially if you're in a situation where you feel like you can't express them another way without hurting someone's feelings, or something like that. I mean, it doesn't work for everyone, but a lot of people find success in this."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot thinks of Susan's letters -- those had been painful but they did seem to be of help to her, and they also helped Lancelot to better understand her. He knows Dionysus is likely correct; still, there is that stubborn anger at the core of him, and it makes him want to argue.

He sits, silent, for a very long moment, turning his glass in his hands, watching the amber liquid. Eventually, even though it is almost certainly obvious that he has other things in mind to say, what he says is, "I will consider it."