[Semi-Closed Post] Sadmas Aftermath

[lanselos_du_lac]

Rather suddenly, after this latest mansion event or incursion of unexpected visitors, Lancelot will not be seen around and about as has come to be usual for him. He is not drilling in the field in the mornings. He is not in the café seeking pastries or companionship. He is not around the kitchens or libraries or, seemingly, anywhere.

Lancelot keeps to his room. If he bathes or shaves or uses the bathroom, he does so carefully and avoiding anyone he might meet. If Laertes leaves food outside his door, folk will find it still there later in the day. If anyone knocks, he will not call them in. He lets the mansion provision him with bread, cheese, water-- sometimes wine or whiskey -- but he doesn't much want any of it.

He cannot bring himself to speak to anyone. He cannot bring himself to do much of anything at all. The best concession he will make, with the understanding that there are those who will worry, is that he does not lock or bolt the door.

[Typist note: Anyone who might be really worried about Lancelot's sudden disappearance or withdrawal is welcome! Post is "semi-closed" really only because a character would have to deliberately decide to enter, and no one will stumble across Lancelot by accident.]

Comments

[lanselos_du_lac]

"I see," thoughtfully. "In mine, it is said to be a sin, and not much spoken of, but folk will do as they do, even at court. Perhaps especially at court, given that there are times of idleness. I see thy meaning, then."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Ah, then the difference is that it is less of an open secret in my England, and more of something to be kept at a remove from all but others who might share similar inclinations."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He nods. "I see. I was surprised to find such openness here, and asked Sagramore how it could be that he and Laertes could be wed. But here, with no Church and no laws, I suppose one can do as they like, an they do no harm."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan doesn't know what to say to that. She casts about for a moment, but the only thing she comes up with is, "Were you flirting?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

At first he says, off-handedly, "With Laertes? I don't know." But then he pauses, slows a little. Several things slot into place at once.

After a moment he says, "I suppose I was."

Then he stops and turns to look at her. He speaks carefully , because he can feel how close the hurt still is within him. "I-- think I have often tried not to notice. Or think on it much. Safer to put this away. But this is what I meant when I told thee I spoke of my love to the king. We never-- it was never something possible. Dost understand me?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Yes, I understand," says Susan, voice heavy in a way that suggests she does not simply just understand the words he is saying to her, strung together into a phrase, but rather that she has felt the meaning beneath them as well. She glances up at him, and then forces herself to hold his gaze. "I wondered," she admits. "About you, and the king."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He looks a little surprised, "Didst thou?"

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"When you said you loved him."

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Ah," quietly.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan moves a little, out and to the side and then back, so that she's standing directly in front of him. She takes both of his hands in her own, lacing their fingers together, palm to palm. "I am sorry," she tells him; it's important to her that he knows she's aware just how much an eternal question mark can weigh on a person. "That you didn't have more - time."

[lanselos_du_lac]

He flushes and glances away for only a moment, then squeezes her fingers and looks back. "I thank thee. It--" A pause, then, "It is hard. There is so much we didn't know. Perhaps, for him, it will be easier now. At least here I do not think I am headed toward certain unhappiness. And I have friends, like thee. As I told Sagramore, none at court, except perhaps Arthur, would have come to try and care for me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Camelot doesn't deserve you, Susan thinks, sudden and sharp, but she doesn't say the words, just steps forward, drawing their arms back until he's holding her, at which point she disentangles her hands from his and latches her arms around his torso. "I am glad you are here," low and fierce, and pauses for a moment. "I know a little of what it's like, to have people build up an expectation for how you are and what you can manage, and I say to Hell with it. I am glad people here are different with you."

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot tightens his arms around her, gazing at her -- he feels too many things to say, just now.

(He loves her, he is fairly certain he does, but he has already said as much in telling her he would not leave her. He burns with loss, and the ache of knowing the truth of what he feels for Arthur, and the gathering understanding that if they had all but known better there didn't need to be a decade or more of hurt and deception and drawing apart instead of together. He is hopeful and lost all at once.)

So instead he pulls her in, hugs her close, resting his cheek on her hair for a moment.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

In truth, Susan is feeling a little adrift - she suspects there's not a great deal she can do to genuinely help Lancelot with his pain, and while she knows there's a good deal she should tell him about her own homosexual inclinations, she's still not certain how to broach the topic directly. Even though she's beginning to think the conversation would not go ill, too many years of delicately eliding the subject, both in her own mind and in conversation with others, lie in the way of easily bringing it up.

So she lifts her head instead, and draws him into a kiss, deep and searching.

[lanselos_du_lac]

Lancelot pulls her still closer, answering the kiss with warmth, a kind of gratitude, his face heating again.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

This, at least, is easy as breathing. Susan clings to him - it's a chilly day, and though the monstrosity of a coat she'd bullied from his closet is warm, it still feels nice to be pressed against him.

[lanselos_du_lac]

He ensures his arms around her waist are as tight as they might be, and he draws the kiss out as well. Eventually he murmurs, "Lady, thou hast been good to me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Someone ought to," says Susan, who - it must be said - is cross with the whole of Camelot.

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Trust in thee," warmly, keeping her close.

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"What else can I do?" she asks then, tangling her fingers in the fabric of his cloak, tilting her face up to his. "To help you feel better?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Nothing, sweet," smiling at her. He gives her another little squeeze. "All thou hast done is good."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

Susan prefers clearer action items than that. She moves one of her hands from his back to his face, cupping his cheek and stroking again at the scruff there. "Are you sure?" she asks, brushing a quick kiss to his lips. "I can think of a few things." After all, sex has always made her feel better¹! "For example, if you'd like to be distracted, I could use my mouth... or if you'd like to be directed, I'd like to feel this-" running her thumb over his scruff again "-on my thighs. Or we could talk more on this, or on other things entirely."

¹Has it...?

[lanselos_du_lac]

He laughs, flushing again, and says lightly, "Why, lady-- you shock me."

[quote_gentle_unquote]

"Do I?"

[lanselos_du_lac]

"Terribly," grinning at her. "I could be both distracted and directed. I am very capable."